Published: 2025-04-23
In the blink of an eye, they are all teenagers, 15, 17, and 19, respectively.
When they were young, I obviously struggled, as I was not an experienced dad. I used this phrase regularly: "It's my first time being a dad to a 12-year-old boy, so I do not know what's the best way, and I will mess up." I repeated it, "I am new to being a dad to a 13-year-old boy, and I am a first-time dad to an 11-year-old girl, so I will mess up." The only time I can't use this phrase anymore is with our youngest daughter. Oops!!! But you can be creative with it.
I've been told that raising teenagers is probably the most challenging chapter of parenting. That's true, and it's painful, but you don't have to suffer. If you've been building the foundation since the days when they started chatting back, remembering, and reasoning with you, it will support your journey.
However, my experience is that the teenage years are full of surprises, regardless of the foundational work you've done. If you've not done that, I believe it gets crazier unless you are lucky. For those who haven't, start NOW.
Teenage years are a combination of hormonal changes, peer pressure, and the quest for identity. They're trying on different hats, figuring out their character, style, and preferences, all while juggling emotions like temper, impatience, and a fierce craving for independence. They don't want to be told what to do and often think they know best. Doesn't some of that sound like us too? They are conditions for the perfect storm.
Tempers will flare no matter what. When it happens, allow space for self-expression, but maintain boundaries aligned with your family's values. We regularly share, "The message is right, but the tone and delivery can be improved."
Here's a critical takeaway. The approach might be consistent with all of them, but the outcomes are anything but similar. It's crucial to never compare them with your friends' kids, not to each of them and not to their friends. They hate being compared, and Kate (our 15-year-old) said, YEEEESSSSS, and thanks for sharing this.
Instead, engage in genuine conversations. We regularly share stories to give them a perspective on where we're coming from but set no expectations for them to emulate our past. Ask them how they want to be treated, listen sincerely, and commit to understanding their preferences. Set up agreements and discard expectations. Involving them in decision-making can empower them and foster mutual respect. Review regularly, and stay agile and open-minded.
It's essential to be clear and focused on your objectives and intention. Share your emotions and vulnerabilities openly, and apologize when you mess up. This normalizes "owning up to making mistakes," and these are all opportunities to learn and grow.
We encourage them to also own up to their mistakes, the commitment and agreement is to support them at that point rather than educate or reprimand.
The effort you put in is an investment with the best ROI in the world. It will reduce endless worries down the line. Remember, they will stumble, and it's your role to be there, unwavering in your support, regardless of the challenges.
Occasionally, I have to remind myself to check my ego. It's super tough, and it takes practice and commitment. Staying consistent with my core values and character while focusing on what I aim to achieve helps keep me grounded.
Parenting teenagers is not just about survival and getting through this tough period. It's about understanding, adjusting, and growing together while both parents and teens mess up. If you've been putting in the work, know that it counts, even on the tough days.
Stay focused, stay engaged, and most importantly, stay connected. If you are feeling the challenge and at times want to give up, please know that we're in this together, and as always, we're learning every day.